Feeling lost

I am not having a good day......had a really good weekend and then last night got into a fight w Stephen and was arguing with Ashleigh via text message and it all came crashing down around me.  I cut but only a lil but, second time this month and today I'm really really wanting to.  I hate this, I hate feeling this way.  I just wish I knew what would make me happy.....I'm sure a few other people wish that too.  I just don't know, I try to think back to when was the last time I was truly happy for more than just a day or so and I can't even remember.  It's been so long.  I thought this would make me feel better to write and get some of this out but it's not really helping much to just making me think about how up and down this past 5 years of my life has been.  Nothing is every consistant or stable in my life, but that's mostly my own fault.  I just keep going from relationship to relationship trying to find that love that I'm missing and it's never right.....it's never exactly what I'm looking for.  I think that might be a good reason why I tried having a relationship with a girl, I thought maybe that's what I was missing life.  I mean I've tried everything else why not that.  Don't get me wrong I'm def attracted to girls I just don't know if I'm meant to be with one for the rest of my life.  Who knows?  Maybe I'm just scared of having a hard life, maybe I'm just too weak to handle it.  But what do I know, doesn't seem like I know much of anything these days.  I know I just need to focus on other things in my life and I'll figure this all out in due time but that's easier said than done.  Some days I'm gonna have bad days and that's when it's gonna be really hard.  Well I think I'll try taking a hot bath...anything to make me feel better right now.