Feeling lost

I am not having a good day......had a really good weekend and then last night got into a fight w Stephen and was arguing with Ashleigh via text message and it all came crashing down around me.  I cut but only a lil but, second time this month and today I'm really really wanting to.  I hate this, I hate feeling this way.  I just wish I knew what would make me happy.....I'm sure a few other people wish that too.  I just don't know, I try to think back to when was the last time I was truly happy for more than just a day or so and I can't even remember.  It's been so long.  I thought this would make me feel better to write and get some of this out but it's not really helping much to just making me think about how up and down this past 5 years of my life has been.  Nothing is every consistant or stable in my life, but that's mostly my own fault.  I just keep going from relationship to relationship trying to find that love that I'm missing and it's never right.....it's never exactly what I'm looking for.  I think that might be a good reason why I tried having a relationship with a girl, I thought maybe that's what I was missing life.  I mean I've tried everything else why not that.  Don't get me wrong I'm def attracted to girls I just don't know if I'm meant to be with one for the rest of my life.  Who knows?  Maybe I'm just scared of having a hard life, maybe I'm just too weak to handle it.  But what do I know, doesn't seem like I know much of anything these days.  I know I just need to focus on other things in my life and I'll figure this all out in due time but that's easier said than done.  Some days I'm gonna have bad days and that's when it's gonna be really hard.  Well I think I'll try taking a hot bath...anything to make me feel better right now.

Starting Over

It's been a while, things have been pretty crazy around here.  Me and Ashleigh broke up on New Years Eve.  She went pretty crazy and punched 4 holes in my bathroom wall, broke my phone and threw my Christmas tree across the room.....guess that just helps me see I made the right choice.  2010 is a new year and I need to make a lot of changes in my life.  I know that things are really over with me and her, our relationship has always been very love/hate and it just wasn't healthy.  We just want very different things and we are just not meant to be.  It still hurts though, even though I am rational enough to see through the cloud of my emotions I still miss the good times that we had and she will always have a piece of my heart.  SO I've just been trying to stay busy and keep my mind off all the bad stuff, got my license fixed and my insurance back so that's good.  Not really sure what the next step is for me.....guess I'm just gonna have to wait and see.

Am I crazy or just in love?

So me and Ashleigh took like a day apart Friday, me & Samuel spent the entire today together.  It was really nice just spending time w my baby by myself.  But then we went over to Ashleigh's that night & ended up staying the night.  I mean I can't figure out am I doing it right this time by not giving up and continuing to try to work things out or am I doing it wrong by staying when I really need to just move on?  That is what is so hard to figure out....I mean it's like that fork in the road and you have to decide what way do I need to go.  Right or left?  Well we did have a pretty good weekend together which I guess keeps me going and gives me hope.  I guess if I was really honest then I would say that I really just want to get through Christmas and then see where we should go from there.  I mean who wants to break up right before the holidays?  Not too fun.  I know that I need to make a lot of changes in my life.  It's been over a year since I've been in this house and I haven't accomplished shit.  Well maybe a little I guess, I got Samuel in a great school this year, I stop partying so much & got certain "medicine" problems under control.  But I mean in the scheme of things I don't feel like I've done shit.  There is so much more than I want & need to do with my life.  I'm over complaining about it, I'm over wining about it, I just need to get OFF MY ASS and DO something!  In August I'm going to start the Medical Assistant program at FCCJ and then in 10 months I will be able to get a decent job.  Then I want to go back and do the nursing program.  I would just go straight to the nursing program but I want to make sure that I'm in a job before Oct 2013 comes and I'm not getting the amount of $$ that I'm getting now a month.  So that's my plan, I'd like to work in neonatal, I love babies so I think I would really enjoy that.  I still would love to work in fashion, that will always be my dream. But I realize now that I need to be more practical, although practical is not very fun it's just part of growing up.  I have to get a career, a good job that is going to support me & my son.  Well back to the grind.....Almost Christmas and I still have a few presents to get.  Well hope you guys all have a Merry Christmas! Till next time, ♥Brandy

Money is the root of all evil

Sometimes I wish that I was poor again, I'm not incredibly rich now don't get me wrong but ever since I got my settlement (fell rappelling in TN..long story another time) people just love to ask me for money.  Me being the nice person that I am almost always say yes and then no one wants to pay my back or get pissed when I actually ask for it?!  Seriously what the hell, I've learned to not loan money out so much bc I'm the one that ends up in the whole and they're content to let me stay there.  But I very stupidly loaned my girlfriend (who I happened to at the time trust) $2200 so she could by two four wheelers.  Really stupid bc she doesn't need them, she really could have used the money for something more important like getting the car "I" gave her on the road, I could have really used the money for something I needed & wanted like to go towards my vintage clothing line.  But anyways getting back to the point despite all that I loaned her the money and I knew, I KNEW it was going to end up being a problem.  Right from the beginning we should have worked out some terms about how she was going to pay me back, I mentioned that but she just seemed so nonchalant and said she would just give me money whenever she could.  About a month & a half later she's given me about $800 of what she owes me (this was not supposed to be a long term loan) and tells me she will be able to give me a good chunk of the rest when she gets her unemployment.  Well here comes her unemployment and she can only give me $400, half of what she got.  I'm really upset and stressed out bc I depended on that money to go towards Christmas presents, now I'm not going to have enough money for everything I needed.  Then she's sitting there talking about going to spend $150 on a tattoo...while I'm stressing about money, money that SHE owes me!  AARRGHH!!?!?!?!?  So I send her a text about it, bc I just know she's going to flip when I say something about it.  And guess what surprise surprise she does!  I wasn't rude, or mean, I didn't yell or cuss, I just tried to have an adult rational conversation with her but she acted like a complete bitch and wanted to hang the phone up on me twice.  So I told her to bring my mother f*ing car back (yeah the car that I bought that she gets to drive around everywhere) and that if she was going to act like this then it's over, I'm tired of it.  She calls me and says she'll be here in a minute and acts likes it's no biggie, obviously she really doesn't want to be with me.  I'm just so tired of this, tired of being taken advantage of, tired of being talked down to, tired of not being treated the way I should be, I'm f*ing tired of it.  Moral of the story don't loan money to people ever and especially not to people that you are in a relationship with.

When is enough just enough?

Well me and Ashleigh had a huge blow out tonight, it's only been a week since our last one.  I'm SO tired of it, I don't want to give up on us but I also wonder am I staying in a relationship that is never gonna work and where things are never gonna change.  I just don't know anymore, I feel like we've been having the same argument for two damn years and nothing is really any different.  She acts like a total bitch and yells and cusses at me for nothing, expects me to just sit there and take it and not say a damn thing, I get pissed and stand up for myself and tell her I'm tired of her shit, then she cries and tells me how sorry she is and that things are gonna change.  But here we are again, back at the same place we always find ourselves.  I really do love her, I really do want to make things work but I just don't know how.  Maybe we just aren't meant to be and I'm hanging on to a relationship where I'm never going to be happy.  That's all I want, to be happy.  I don't know why I can't seem to make relationships work, I'm sure some people would say part of my problem is I keep going back to the same people over and over and over, then I'm surprised when we end up having the same problems.  ARRGH I just wanna scream, I'm so frustrated.  I just want to know when is enough just enough?

Sleep!

I have insomnia, I've had it since I was in highschool.  I've tried over the counter meds, Ambian, Resterol, no caffiene (I don't even drink coffee!), relaxing baths, any & everything you can think of.  Nothing works for me!  At least once, sometimes twice a week I don't sleep at all and I go to bed anywhere between 3 AM to 8 AM.  Most people think it's so simple: just go to bed earlier, get up early the nexy day & your body will be on a schedule.  That shit does not work, case and point I can go without sleeping at all and the following night I still will not be able to go to sleep until 2, 3 in the morning.  I want to be able to go to bed like a normal person and get up like a normal person!!  Having insomina totally saps my energy and I hate it.  I've talked to my doctor about this several times and he just keeps putting my on different meds but they only help for a short period of time and then not so much.  I'm really getting pretty desperate now, I'd try almost anything to get this under control.  But for now I will just continue blogging at 3:15 AM and boring you all with my problems. 
So Ashleigh and I have gone a whole day without having a huge fight, yay for that small victory.  She went out alone last night to the club, she had a show and I was sick so I wasn't really up to going.  They just happened to be having Girls Gone Wild that night, oh I know I was really loving that.  I only texted her like a hundred times...ok maybe only like 20/30 but it nonetheless I wasn't too happy.  It's not that I'm a super jealous person or that I don't trust her it's just that I know for some odd reason when she goes out without me she has an awesome time and also some crazy shit usually goes down.  When we go out together to stuff like this she seems miserable the entire time and is always ready to just leave.  When I mentioned this to her last night she said "guys" can't have fun with their girlfriends at clubs because they're to worried about other guys talking to them.  I think that was a bullshit excuse, I don't know why she feels like she can't let loose when she's with me.  It's like she feels like she has to be one person with and one person with everyone else.  I don't like that and I don't want her to do that.  It's like I get cheated out of the "fun" ashleigh. 
So Christmas is right around the corner, Samuel is for sure getting extra spoiled this year.  I don't know why I have such an obession with getting him so many material things.  I guess because the first few years after I had him were so hard, I couldn't give him all the things that I wanted to and it killed me.  I mean I know it's like he ever remembers that or would care if he did but as a mother I want to give my child everything in the world he desires.  So Christmas comes and I go crazy buying for him.  What can I say I love my baby and it fills my heart to the brim to see him smile.  Well until next time, much love ♥

First blog

Well this is my first blog, other than my random blogging on myspace/facebook. I love to write, always have. I've been writing in journals since I was a very young girl.....that statement makes me sound like I'm an ancient. I'm only 25 so not quite. Anyways back to the point I needed an outlet but I'd rather my entire family, and every person from elemetary school to college not know my inner most feelings. Instead I will just indulge a few select strangers, hell probably just one lone person out there who will stumble across this by complete and utter chance. So I start.